Palagi

I could be wrong. I’m not exactly good at recalling moments long in the past. But it’s almost like an old VHS reel, taking me back to those formative years of myself waiting beside a Sharp tape recorder, fingers resting on the buttons, eager for the late-night DJ to play Forevermore.

Back at the present, my wife’s YouTube feed was on the TV and it happened to play some TJ Monterde, some I think I’ve heard in parts before. Then it played some more songs from The Juans and December Avenue. It could be those heartbreaking guitar riffs, or those wavering notes on the keyboard pressed almost too lightly like someone in reverie. Or maybe it’s the vocals. Whatever the reason, I find it a welcome renaissance to that 90’s era of pop-rock bands like Side A and Neocolours that sang out their hearts with beautiful, uncomplicated lyrics. I remember those days of youth when I would imagine—as many in my age then also would—knowing what it feels to be in love, or even how it feels to have lost it. Little did I know, that it would take two decades to finally get there.

I feel like that man in the song, speaking those words—“sa huli, palagi” (in the end, always)—to the love of my life, nearly ten years since we spoke our vows. I remember looking at her and singing: “you’re all I need to be here with, forevermore.” And now listening to Palagi, it feels like an anniversary song, going back and holding fast to that promise from years past. No, the challenging moments in marriage don’t always match the cinematic expectations shaped by films of Aga Muhlach. When two people who are supposedly fused into one mind fall into an argument, it doesn’t bring to mind a romantic movie scene. But just like in Monterde’s song, after everything, still I look at my wife with a smile and say “Iyo ako palagi” (I’m yours, always). And what is now some of my most favorite lines in music: “’Pag napaligiran ng ingay at ng gulo, ‘Di ko ‘pagpapalit ngiti mo sa mundo.” Life now is full of noise and chaos. But nothing makes me happier than watching my wife smile.